I’ve just been pouring through a ‘Have Your Say’ on the BBC News website with the topic of ‘Can mothers admit to being unhappy‘ which seemed to have had at points diatribes against ’selfishly childless women’ and so forth.
I’m not sure if this is is the sort of thing I should be reading while 6 weeks away from giving birth, but as the topic is now closed, here are my 2 and a bit more cents’ worth.
I think mothers should be able to admit to being unhappy with their lot. I know that there maybe a camp of the opinion of ‘Well you’ve made your bed, and you must sleep in it, or maybe you should have just slept in it not been messing about…’. It is a great upheaval in one’s life, and I think that we should also allow for the fathers to be able to admit that this isn’t what they had expected either. From the first we are presented with rose-tinted scenes of parent-hood in the various catalogues that end up littering the house. Images of cheery, thin, mothers and fit, ever-so slightly carefree-stubbly fathers, all looking like they’ve slept well and had a leisurely meal and good sleep the night before.
What utter tosh! To me this is right up there with the inclusion of make up in your hospital bag. Like I am going to be putting on makeup after giving birth! If I want to look like I’ve done 10 rounds with Grendel and his mum in the photos I’m damn well going to. I don’t care if I do look scarier than his mum. (I’m referring to the literary pair not the jazzed up movie travesty - I’m far too short to be confused for Angelina Jolie)
At the same time I don’t understand why the childful (and they seem to be those with more than 2) feel that they need to proselytise to the childless, or those with only 1 (My mother was asked shortly after I was born, when she intended to have a ’son and heir’). Of course the shoe is on the other foot when it comes to teenage pregnancy….
To my mind having children or not, is a personal matter. To say that bearing children or the desire to have them is ‘Natural’ isn’t I feel a completely valid argument. What part of having your insides mashed up is natural? If that were the case our wombs should be close to full size anyway and women would be human equivalents of termite queens. Now there is a potent image to play with…
Before I got married I wasn’t too fussed about having children. It was a, perhaps, in time thing. As an only child I wasn’t exposed to them much, and I didn’t babysit. I did however know a number of very nice children, about 10 years younger than me, and I felt that if I had kids I hoped they would be like them.
But sure enough not long after getting married, something clicked and I wanted a baby. Luckily my husband did too, and as we talked about it, we decided that we should very much like to have a family. We didn’t start to try right away, instead we moved out of his parents’ house, bought a flat and got a cat.
When we did decide to start to try we were disappointed that things didn’t seem to be happening, and as well documented in previous posts, it transpired that my husband couldn’t have a ‘child of his loins’. Very Old Testament I know but I don’t want to put it as ‘couldn’t have children’, because anything that pops of me is as much his child as mine. In the end we opted for donor sperm and IUI, which worked on the second attempt.
The upshot of the 5 years of trying, being misled as to the causes, getting on track with options etc. has meant that we’ve had ampule time to assess and reassess that having children, not just a baby, was something that we were prepared for, and really wanted. Of course the fact that we decided to doggedly stick with things, shows that we in the end are prepared to deal with all the ‘cons’ of having a baby who would subsequently become a toddler, child, teenager and with any luck an adult that we would be happy to foist on the world at large.
I’m not expecting it all to be a bed of roses, in fact I’d be disappointed if it was all plain sailing, otherwise what use would we as parents be if we weren’t required to weigh in from time to time and make sure our children understood why they should behave well, how to be discerning in their dealings with other people, their peers etc. But I do hope that we get things off to a good start so we don’t have to do too much fire-fighting.
On the other hand I know that I will/might resent just a little bit the disruption to our mundane life where the only demands are from easily distracted cats, or to my alleged career. But I’m trying to approach the inevitable change with an open mind. I have made the decision that I probably will not go back to work full time in IT, and I fully realise that this is a luxury that many don’t have. But there is always the possibility later of either doing something else (jewellery), or picking up freelance work which I could do from home. But I’m not going to force myself to make any hard and fast choices right now but until I’ve gotten used to my new routines.
Yes, I am happy for a 1st class honours degree in Engineering to ‘go to waste’ (to paraphrase a poster on the aforementioned message board) by being at home or working from home to be there for the majority of my child’s childhood.
For now my goals are treating my indigestion and making the most of my last few weeks where I’m not required to do much other than potter about and just do housework.
